Well, I guess it's final. It's over, done, finished. Today Josh said he had something to tell me. I said okay. I didn't hear from him again until 10 PM. He said he was coming to grab some clothes. I had a female friend of ours come over because I needed someone to talk to. My sister ended up stopping by and was here when he got here. I told him that I had company and he was pissed. Started saying that I better not fuck with him when it came to Tayen and that he didn't want some dude around his daughter. I have no idea where this is coming from. I wasn't the one running around behind his back. I asked him what that meant, was he saying it was over? He said, I'll tell you when I get there. Okay, cool. Well, he gets here and I'd brought his clothes and stuff outside on the porch. He doesn't speak to our friend or my sister. He's very short and pissy with me. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said no, I'll talk to you tomorrow. I asked for the house key back and he acted mad about that too. What am I supposed to do? He's the one who left me on Saturday with his refusal to come home. He made a decision. Does he expect me to be okay with it? Because I don't know any wife in her right mind who would be!! He's so caught up in living this rock star life that he's thrown his family, our marrige, five fucking years down the drain. If he needed time to think, I don't think the running around on me and the excessive drinking are going to help. I think that he's scared to tell me the truth.... But I'm okay, I promise. I have started the process of taking care of me and Tayen. I've started looking for a job and I will find one. I will do whatever it takes to ensure that Tayen is okay. She is my main priority. It just saddens me that she nor I were ever his........

So...

Today was just blah all around. I woke up with Tayen at 830ish to find Josh asleep on the guest bed. I let him sleep for a bit then told him he had to go. He said he was confused but he loved me. I told him to get his shit together because he had a lot to prove to me. He's coming back later to get some of his stuff but he's not staying here. I am waiting to see what happens. So, as of now, that's about all I can do. *SIGH*

Tonight...

Tonight was not easy at all. Josh was here when I got back home with Tayen. He cried and said he was sorry. I had to be firm and tell him that sorry wasn't going to cut it this time. I informed him that he needed to SHOW me that he wanted us in his life. I said that the time for acting like a single man was long over; that I didn't NEED him in my life. I told him that I could live without him, I didn't want to but I could. He didn't seem to like that too much but it's true. I will if I have to. I told him that I was not backing down this time and he needed to work things out on his own. I can't make someone do something. I can't make him be faithful. But I can show him the consequences of his actions. Last night he wanted to act like a single man, well tonight, he's got it. He had to find somewhere else to stay because it wasn't going to be here with me and Tayen. Sorry dude, until you know what you want, you're not going to drag me on an emotional roller coaster any more. Don't get me wrong, I love Josh. But I love my daughter and myself too. She can't be exposed to the drinking and whoring around. I'd rather be single and struggling, than married and unhappy.

So, here I am....

You would think that after being married for five years, having a baby and going through hell and back would make a marriage stronger. Well, not for me. Josh and I have been through so much and still managed to make it work. At least for a while. Things started to fall apart and no matter how much begging I did, things never got better. He would promise to change, and never did. I am not completely innocent either. I held grudges, was void of any emotion and never wanted to be touched. So, I left. For two weeks, I thought about things. I wanted things to work and I told Josh that we both had to change. We both had to make the effort. I put my whole heart into it. I loved him like I never had before. Josh on the other hand, didn't try. If anything, he worked harder and pushing us apart. He kissed a girl while we were apart. They kept texting and talking after I'd come back home. I found out on Friday night, that he'd told her that he loved her....and was going to divorce me for her. According to her, the only reason he got back with me was so that he could see Tayen and use the garage as a practice spot for the band. When the cops informed them that practice could not be held there any longer, things fell apart. Last night, Josh went out and got drunk. He refused to come home. He was sitting all close to a new girl at his friends house. Things all started to fall in place. He was adding her on myspace and talking to her while I went to pick up our daughter. Last night, he goes over to where she is, gets drunk and then refuses to come home. This is the last time that I allow him to walk all over me. I am a mom and a wife. I will not be treated with such disrespect. He can have all the groupies, whores and sluts he wants. But I won't be treated like I'm one of them. If he can't put me and Tayen first in his life, then I'm not going to beg him too. He made his decision last night....... And now I've made mine.